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This article is the first instalment in a two-part series on invalidation and narcissism.In this piece we expose why they do it, and how to spot it in action.Keep your eyes peeled for part two, where the focus will shift to how it impacts on you, and how to narc-proof yourself for the future through self-validation.As human beings, we have basic needs, to be loved and to belong.
The hunt for validation is an obsession for the narcissist. It’s therefore unsurprising that pursuing substantiation of being such a mythical being is fraught with difficulties that cannot be resolved. This need to allocate people, things, and events into one of the two extremes due to the inability to intellectually integrate both negative and positive qualities in the one entity, is referred to as splitting (for more on splitting read From ‘soul mate’ to worthless: What’s behind the narcissist’s 180? Obviously, the pathological narcissist allocates themselves to the all good/perfect category.These social needs are just as essential as other survival needs like food, shelter, and safety.Connection to others and being accepted is at the core of belonging.If a resounding ‘yes’ arose for you in feeling invisible and worthless because of the narc’s abuse, you know, from experience, how bereft the absence of validation leaves you, and how very central it is to your survival.Sadly, the vulnerability this causes only amplifies the power of invalidation…which is precisely what the narcissist wants in order to feed their needs. Once you understand the disordered thinking driving the narcissist’s invalidation, you can begin depersonalising this very personal attack. By seeing through their mask, in time you develop understanding that their dismantling of you has very little to do with you as a person.
The programming is undertaken for the very purpose of derailing you, of diverting you when required (read Reacting vs.