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Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor I'm taking a break from my series on rejection to comment on another matter.
For those of you who might not know, there is an interesting discussion going on in the Psychology Today blogosphere. White's message is that figuring out what you want in a relationship (and being authentic to who you are) is more important than guessing about what others want you to be (and trying to fit those expectations).
When looking for love, should you focus on "being what others want" and making yourself appealing?
Or, should you focus on "figuring out what you want" and going after the love life you desire? Now, here's where I further cement my place as "The Attraction Doctor" and settle this debate.
For example, if you want smart women..talk to a few in your area and find out what they like. Then see whether what you're willing to give matches up with their wants too. So, take both into consideration for success in dating and relating. I think being who you are and improving is a fine line, that I, and I'm guessing sometimes others, get confused. What if you think what a certain type of person wants isn't really what they want?
If you're looking for creative men, then check out what they are into. Get to know the dating market you're interested in - and what they are looking to "buy" in return.5) Assess your options - Once you know your dating market, you can see who might be interested in an exchange. For example, if one went through a trauma that makes them leery of dating do they work on that and become "whole" before they start dating, or will the "right" person understand and accept their hesitance as they work on improving that aspect of themselves? (As it seems opposites do not always attract, nor always repel, if I were to guess an extrovert would want another extrovert I would be right some of the time and not others...) As usual, not expecting an answer/response to all these questions, but I'll take 'em... I think you want to be the best person you can be before you offer yourself to others, but that understanding of "best" has to be based on the person you want to be, not the person you think others want you to be.
Actually, the perspectives of both of these intelligent professionals are correct.
Essentially, according to the theory, the stability of all relationships are the result of each individual making decisions about the following: So, we form relationships with people who give as much to us as we give to them (ratio), treat us in accordance with our expectations (satisfaction), and are our best alternatives at the time and place (dependence).
When your married and have a problem with yourself you cant just go away for a month to sort yourself out, married people have to deal with things together.
What's wrong with going away for a month when married, as long as you're not in the middle of a dispute with your spouse?
Relationships (from friends-with-benefits to marriage) are an at the core. All my observations have shown me that not being your true self always fails in the long run.
When a relationship is a good deal for both partners, they stay and trade together. Take a moment (or longer) and figure it out.2) Decide what you will give in return - There is no such thing as getting something for nothing. So, what are you planning to bring to the exchange? Think about all of the strengths, benefits, and positive qualities you have to share with a partner. It is unrealistic to expect to buy a mansion with pocket-change. Who cares if you can get the girl by temporarily being self confident, if it isnt already who you are chances are your lack of it will show up in your relationship causing your lady friend to be disapointed,and finally, if its not who you really are why the hell would you want to be with a women who made that a priority?
When it isn't, at least one eventually chooses to goes elsewhere. Have a clear idea about what you are going to give back to them.3) Check your expectations - Take a good look at what you want versus what you're willing to give. But, it is also foolish to spend a million dollars on a shack. And, eventually, enjoy a mutually-satisfying interaction :)Go to Plus the fact that the article says advice for (real) men, what the hell does that mean? I mean is she saying that real women only want self confident men? I also think that attending to the specific wants of your desired partner(s) is important too.